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13 Things I Haven’t Had The Courage To Tell You Yet

Unsplash / Edu Grande

1. The first time I met you, I think I knew I was going to like you. You know when you meet someone and it feels like everything just clicks into place? That was me and you. We didn’t even need an introduction — the second we said hello, we acted like we’d known each other our entire lives.

2. I never really thought we had a chance. Not because we weren’t a good fit, but because, to put it quite simply, I didn’t think I was good enough for you. I never imagined that maybe you were thinking the same thing, but the other way around.

3. I’ve never liked silence. I like noise, I like busyness, I like people yelling at each other over phones or singing softly to themselves as they work or the sound of a keyboard clacking. But you, you never did. You thrived in tranquility. You were always so quiet, but I liked it. For once, I didn’t want to fill the world with white noise.

4. There are people in the world who will listen to you. There are people in the world who will understand you. And then there are people who will feel every word you say. You were the latter, and I’d never met anyone like that before. I’m not even sure you recognized that about yourself.

5. I know you fell hard for me. I could see it in your eyes. And I know it scared the shit out of you. I could see that in your eyes, too.

6. Sometimes I find myself in the places where we used to go together and I’ll abruptly have to leave because I’ll remember that you are not there, and you will never be there again, and I’m not sure I can handle that fact right now. Not yet.

7. Every time I talked to you, I felt like I was entering a wormhole. No time passed at all and yet when we walked away from the conversation, it was hours later and I still don’t know how it happened. Was it the same for you?

8. You are perhaps the only person on this entire planet who didn’t know how in love I was with you. I was never sure how to tell you. I was always afraid that if I uttered the words, everything would be real, and if everything were real, it could all be taken from me in an instant.

9. I was never actually angry at you. Even when I’d ignore you, even when I’d yell, even when I’d go days without looking you in the eye, I was never mad. But sometimes it’s easier to pretend you’re angry so you don’t have to bare your soul and admit that really, you’re just hurt.

10. I still think about you a lot. I like to replay my memories of us and pretend it’s like a story I’m telling myself. I always hope I’ll find something new there, an Easter egg or a sign, some key to why everything happened the way it did. I never find anything, but I keep searching.

11. When I talk to people I have to pretend like I don’t already know everything about you because if I didn’t, they’d ask me how I knew, and I’m not sure I have it in me to tell that story again. Not out loud. Not to someone else. I don’t think you realize how much of yourself you left with me.

12. I was always so afraid that one day you’d wake up and realize I was never what you wanted. You always told me I’d never have to worry about that. I’m too afraid to ask if that’s what actually happened. I don’t want to find out I’ve been right all along.

13. You broke my heart, and I’m not sure I’ll ever have the courage to tell you that. TC mark

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