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1. My self-control because I hate half a bag of rice cakes with hummus and then when I ran out of hummus, just dipped them in ketchup.
2. My dignity when I realized I was just eating rice cakes dipped in ketchup.
3. A really solid pair of Calvin Klein underwear that honestly was no match for Day 2 of my period.
4. And then an average but still otherwise fairly cute and untainted pair of Victoria’s Secret underwear who were outdone by Day 2 as well.
5. And THEN an ancient pair that I honestly should’ve thrown away a while ago and now will have to because they were, again, no match for Day 2 of my period who is a force to be reckoned with and much like Miley, cannot be tamed.
6. My physique because I swear to god I gain between 5 and 10 pounds of sheer bloat each month.
7. My ability to trust myself since I got teary eyed at the movie Sing yesterday and I’m just going to tell you, it’s not supposed to be a sad movie at all.
8. My sex drive because somehow it’s getting worse?? with age?? and not?? better?? Like yesterday I spent a good 4 hours just horizontal with a heating pad on my uterus because it felt like it was trying to dislodge itself from my innards and idk about you but that’s not a very sexy feeling to me.
9. A brand new pair of shorts that I ordered offline who were instantly smited by the “Surprise bitch! I’m a few days early!!” of my period.
10. My energy level, which is roughly the same as Hidalgo after running through the desert for 2850 of his 3000 mile race.
11. My cravings. Which range from Salt n’ Vinegar chips to chocolate covered popcorn in the span of approximately 12 seconds.
12. My wallet because tampons are expensive and taxed as a luxury item!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
13. Somehow not my skin too badly? But I’m just waiting for that shit to betray me too.
14. My patience to deal with people who are, well, idiots but normally just a sigh and eye roll would be enough for me to be okay with dealing with them. Now I’m rage texting people at 10:45 PM because I’m so fired up about how someone has spoken to me and it’s just…it’s not great.
15. My confidence. Because I feel like a melancholy bleeding dumpling.
16. My bathroom sink because instead of being a porcelain basin for which to wash my face, it’s currently soaking underwears 1, 2, and 3, like some sort of bloody bouillabaisse in an attempt to save them from a period-related death.
17. The fridge. Because it’s empty. I ate all the things.
18. Same with the freezer. All of the HaloTop is gone.
19. My happiness. Gone it went when I realized this was my existence for the next few days. RIP me.