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Right now, I’m listening to an acoustic version of ‘Out Of The Woods‘ by Taylor Swift and it’s gorgeous and beautiful, but melancholy and haunting and it’s making me want to pour myself another glass of red wine. It reminds me of him and the other guy and the other guy who didn’t love me back. It reminds me of all the endings. Of all the beginnings that turned to dust before it even had the chance to start.
It’s 10:42 pm on a Sunday and I can’t help but think about how relationships end and crumble in what seems like only seconds. But they don’t really ever crumble into thin air, do they?
Sure, you break it off. You say things you don’t mean. You do things you shouldn’t have done. You yell and scream and spit out insults you know aren’t true. You cry and break glass, hoping it will help calm you down.
But it doesn’t calm you down at all.
Initially, the anger takes over your heart. You feel everything all at once. You say everything and anything all at once. You want to fight. And you want them to fight for you. But they don’t care. Or maybe they are scared that they care too much.
But that doesn’t change anything.
Because after the storm, comes the calm. Your world doesn’t even go dark. It’s just gray. Everything is so mediocre. Nothing is shiny anymore. Not even your laugh or your smile or your friends conversations. Not even the memories that run through your mind on replay. And so in return, you turn gray and quiet and somber.
You grow cold.
It seems like it will never end when you’re at the point. You’re in a hazy fog, and you feel like you’re dying. How are you still breathing? How the fuck is your heart still alive when it feels like you can’t last another second?
You know it won’t be like this forever. I mean, you hope. Because that’s what your friends and parents say. That’s what every advice article says. That’s what I’ve even said before. But, will you? Will he or her? Will I? Can you ever stop loving the person you gave your heart to? Can you ever heal that part of your heart that they took from you?
Sometimes I don’t know.
Some days, I think to myself, thank god I’m over him. Thank god he’s gone. Thank god I left. Thank god he said goodbye. But other days turn cloudy and I can’t figure out what my head or my heart is telling me.
Some days, I still love him. Or need him. Or want him. Or all of the above. And it’s been years since I’ve seen these people who took pieces of my heart. It’s been so long. But my heart can’t let it go. I wish I knew how. I really do.
But, my heart doesn’t know how to forget.
So maybe the love never stops, no matter how much your head wants it to. Maybe love isn’t supposed to go. Maybe love is more powerful than our brains can handle.
And I don’t know if that’s good or bad. All I know is this song reminds me of you and him and that other guy. All I know is I still love. All I know is I miss you.
But then again…maybe it’s just this song. Maybe it’s just this song that’s fucking me up.