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1. If you’re going to take NyQuil, for the love of God, take it at least twelve hours before you have to get up for work.
2. When you ignore this piece of advice and take NyQuil at 11:30 pm, the best way to combat the inevitable ‘quil hangover (not sorry for this term) is by eating cornbread for breakfast.
3. You can buy cornbread at Boston Market.
4. Don’t store bananas next to other fruit. When bananas ripen, they emit something called ethylene gas and it makes other fruit spoil a lot faster. Why don’t they teach this to unknowing boys and girls?!
5. If you need to make a drink colder in a short amount of time, wrap the bottle or can in a wet paper towel and put it in the freezer for ten minutes, or even longer if you’re feeling flirty.
6. Don’t talk about how you prefer red wine more than white wine. That’s not an interesting piece of information.
7. No matter how many television shows you watch, there will always be one that you haven’t seen.
8. And for each show you haven’t seen, there will be two people at a party who say “How have you not watched that yet?!” Shrug your shoulders and say “I just haven’t” and then wait for them to say something more interesting.
9. Suitcases are rudely expensive. When you’re all ready to buy your big adulty suitcase, don’t show up to Target expecting to drop $30. It will be several months’ worth of a Netflix membership.
10. If someone gets engaged and you ask to see the ring, they can tell if you don’t like it.
11. If you ask to see the ring and you don’t like the ring, refrain from making a vague and fact-based observation like “it’s your riiiiing!” or “you’re engaaaaayged!” Just say “Congratulations!”
12. Tell your friend or significant other when you’re mad at them or frustrated with them because everybody is too damn busy now in their adulty life to pick up on your
subtle bad hints.
13. You don’t have to throw food out just based on the expiration date. Sometimes you can use certain things for a couple of years after they expire. If you need to know how long something is good for, use my favorite site ever (link in bio!!) Just kidding it’s right here.
14. You can keep a journal.
15. But you can’t constantly tell people about how you keep a journal.
16. And more importantly, do not use journal as a verb. Do not say “I journal.”
17. Take two TUMS before you go out. Game changer.
18. You should have a medicine cabinet. Don’t wait until it’s midnight on a Friday for you to suddenly need Mucinex.
19. Wear sunscreen wear sunscreen wear sunscreen wear sunscreen wear sunscreen wear sunscreen wear sunscreen.
20. When you’re halfway through your stash of toilet paper, make a promise to yourself right then to buy more, because when combined with the number of days you will forget or procrastinate, it will time out perfectly so that you actually buy the new stash of toilet paper when you’re on your very last roll from the previous stash.
21. Do this same thing with paper towels.
22. Don’t hang out with people who only talk trash about other people. They’re insecure and they don’t have anything else to say.
23. Stop trying to not snooze through your alarms. Just put your phone far enough away from you when you sleep that you have to physically get up and out of bed in the morning to turn it off. Just like TUMS, it’s a game changer.