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It’s no secret that you’ve always been drawn to other people—you love attention, and you love giving it back to those in your life that have earned it. But consider this a reminder that you have to learn how to be alone, and obtain a level of acceptance with that, sooner rather than later. There will inevitably come a time in your life where you have to rely solely on yourself and your own devices to overcome a situation, and it’ll be extremely easy to forget how capable you are of handling things without another’s guidance. Don’t let yourself forget.
More of us care about you and your creations than you let yourself believe. Start trusting people when they tell you that they’re interested in what you have to offer the world. I know that in the past you’ve been force-fed little white lies to the point of sickness, but you can’t let those memories insert doubt where there doesn’t need to be. It’s the last month of the year, and there are so many months sitting between you and the words that used to cut like glass. Leave them there. Look ahead.
You never used to be one for drama, or getting tangled in webs of missed connections, but lately you’ve found yourself stuck in the middle of a fist fight and you don’t know how you ended up there. You just know that even though you’re merely a bystander, there are bruises all over your body and they ache when you try to sleep at night. Start using your voice more. This isn’t the first time you’ve found yourself in an uncomfortable situation because of a choice to remain silent. Nobody has the ability to read your mind.
Your progress does not lose meaning if you happen to relapse. You’re still the person that re-learned how to fall in love with the world, and the person that finds beauty in simplicity. The road to happiness is never an easy one, especially when the road has as many roadblocks as yours has. But the path hasn’t disappeared just because you’ve wandered off of it, or because you’ve had to sit down and catch your breath. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, if you feel yourself staggering. You are not weak or any less of a survivor for doing so.
Your view of the world has always been dependent upon a lack of change, and it’s time that you realize that not only is this unrealistic, but it’s damaging. By assuming that your relationships, and your setting, and your personality will always remain stagnant, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. The truth is that time embraces everyone and everything, and she’s prone to makeovers of epic proportions. Make a list of everything that is constant in your life, and everything that isn’t. Be honest with yourself.
Lately you’ve been dividing your emotions up into fragments, so that they’re easier to swallow. There are photographs on the coffee table, water-damaged love notes in the couch cushions, pennies tumbling out of your shoes because you read once that they were supposed to bring good luck, and you need all of the positivity you can get. But just because you’re unearthing the past and sifting through the rubble, that doesn’t mean you’re actually making progress. Sometimes it seems like you’re just doing this to torture yourself. Are you?
Like a boomerang, you always find yourself coming back to the same place and the same people. You so desperately want to be a part of something, and you’ve been settling for the mundane and the familiar because at least with that, you know how the stories end. You know that you’ll make a mistake that you won’t learn from and that you’ll end up right back where you started because that’s how it always is. Don’t accept measly scraps of acceptance as if that’s all you deserve. It isn’t. It never was. It never will be.
It seems as though you’re still getting used to the idea that it’s okay to want certain things. Desire is a very human thing to experience, whether that’s for friendship or love or any number of things. Stop holding yourself to a standard that’s higher than the one you apply to others; you wouldn’t get upset with somebody for telling you that they wanted happiness, would you? Of course not. Acknowledge that, like anybody else, you have wishes that you make over birthday candles and under moonlit skies. You’re allowed to hope that they come true.
Even the easiest of tasks has felt overwhelming recently and that’s a sign that you need to step back and take a break. I know that your life is busy, and it doesn’t feel as though you can afford to do this, but you can. Concentrate on your mental health instead of leaving it to fend for itself. You know what you need to do in order to feel better and instead of consciously making the decision to ignore these thoughts, you need to act on them. Knowing the answer doesn’t mean anything if you keep it a secret.
There’s something about making lists that’s always appealed to you. Perhaps it’s how simple everything looks once you’ve put it down on paper, or the satisfaction of feeling as though you’ve accomplished something. But you don’t need to squeeze your entire life into categories. You don’t have to map out all of the places that you can’t visit anymore, or tally up the number of times you cry each month. You’re so much more than what you can record, or graph, or give statistics to. Let yourself be spontaneous where you wouldn’t normally.
You’ve been daydreaming of places you’ve never been to, creating entire worlds for yourself where you’re comfortable and you’re happy and you don’t wake up reeking of past mistakes. The problem here, though, is that you want to run away. You want to leave and forget instead of putting forth the effort required to develop and grow into a new stage of your life. The time you’d save by doing the former isn’t worth it. You future contentment lies in your ability to be patient while working towards a goal. You’ll get there. Honestly.
You’ve pulled yourself out of your own grave so many times that you still feel surprised whenever you see a reflection of yourself that isn’t covered in mud and decay. I think a lot of the time you forget that you’re no longer at rock bottom, and it’s easy to see every surface-level issue as a personal attack when you’re used to having no sense of direction. But you aren’t in that terrible place anymore. You can see the sun, and your hands are clean. Relax, and think things through before automatically building a wall between you and any inconvenience.