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I spent countless nights forcing my brain to shut down and just letting my heart lead. Spent months scolding my heart for falling so easy on traps the brain warned about before. At one point I thought I’ve given up on finding that one person and the next morning, I find myself out in the open again: guards down and vulnerable nevertheless, wiser.
And so I summed up the things I learned. Made notes of what I want, highlighted the red flags I kept on missing, and steadied my heart knowing someone will one day walk in and not repeat the same mistakes the past has made.
I want someone to genuinely call me a distinct name as a sign of endearment because he meant to call me that way and not just because calling someone ‘Babe’ or ‘Honey’ is a name he calls everyone he’s fond of. It would mean so much to smile as he calls me this because I know, I, alone is the only ‘Babe’ and ‘Honey’ in his life.
I want someone who is sure he wants me not just because having me means getting a trophy but because he knows my true worth. That I am not just a figure he can show to the public to compliment his masculine looks but rather, a woman whom he deeply cares for. A woman whom he would still choose to adore even if I stop going to the gym and as a result, lose all the superficial attributes I acquired.
I want someone who is consistent in making me feel that I am wanted in return. Because in the first place, that’s what made me go for him. From sneaking messages in the middle of his crazy work to not hearing anything at all from him the entire day. From voluntarily updating me his daily schedules to later on stalking his Instagram stories just to catch a glimpse of what it is that actually kept him from texting me the whole week. From spontaneous fun dates to heartbreaking canceled ones. I want a guy who does not go complacent once I show him that I like him in return. Someone who would consistently value the sparkle in my eyes and curve in my mouth as he makes me genuinely happy with the things that he does.
I want someone who makes me realize my potentials even if that means we have to debate on things we have contrasting opinions about. I want to be my own despite being in a relationship. I am not going to be his “yes woman” because I am capable of knowing and doing what I believe is right.
I want someone who won’t abuse the classic “I am/was busy” alibi. While I understand that we are adults and we have better things to do than just texting each other the entire day, I would appreciate you letting me know how long you intend to keep me waiting. It somehow gives me security that much as you’d like to talk to me all the time, you are matured enough to prioritize your work first yet, you also regret not hearing from me for quite some time. It is the thought that counts. Always.
I want someone who is not afraid to let me know he sees me spending the future with him. It’s not like I am in a hurry, no one is. However, it is very pleasing to know that the relationship is actually heading somewhere and that we’re not wasting any effort of getting to know each other to a deeper level because what we have at the moment is something we are mutually working to last forever.
I want all these things to have because I know for myself that it’s what will keep me happy in the long run. I am done accepting temporary happiness.
On a sad note, all these things are the same things you are not.