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(March 21st to April 19th)
You receive a huge bouquet of flowers from a complete stranger—one who’s so completely strange you honestly have no idea who sent them. You find it creepy and thrilling at the same time. More creepy, actually. No—more thrilling.
(April 20th to May 21st)
A relative you’ve never met and have never even heard of dies and leaves you her entire $200 million fortune. This will ensure that by next Valentine’s Day you have a boyfriend—or as many as you want.
(May 22nd to June 21st)
Drinks, followed by more drinking, and then a few more rounds of drinks just to wash it all down. Getting so shit-faced drunk that you forget about Valentine’s Day and, hopefully, heartbreak in general.
(June 22nd to July 22nd)
Chocolate milkshakes followed by chocolate pie, then an assortment of fine chocolates, all of it topped off by a piping-hot mug of hot chocolate. Then, once your tummy has settled, more chocolate.
(July 23rd to August 22nd)
You would like to see two guys fighting over the right to claim you as their Valentine. And when I say “fighting,” that’s exactly what I mean—you would have no problem if two guys just ripped off their shirts and bare-knuckled brawled in the streets just to be your Valentine.
(August 23rd to September 22nd)
Just one kiss while standing on a bridge holding hands and watching as the city lights shimmer on the river water below. And, if it’s possible to ask for just one more thing, no more acne. Never. Ever. Never once again ever in your life, and you hope to live a long, long life.
(September 23rd to October 22nd)
You want to see the sun rise and the sun set and do nothing in between. Just stay in bed, tracking the sun’s movements. And you won’t feel like you’ve wasted a minute.
(October 23rd to November 22nd)
A bottle of wine, a table, and a violin player…at lakeside. With swans. Sitting across the table is the boy you’ve been crushing on—in a tuxedo. And he’s holding a ring.
(November 23rd to December 21st)
You would like to meet some random guy at a bar, go with him to a motel, and get banged so hard that you wind up needing glasses. It’s been a long winter, right? A girl has needs.
(December 22nd to January 20th)
Just one Valentine’s card, that’s all. Just one sign that somebody cares enough to get you a card. One little pink-and-red Valentine’s Day card to lift you out of this mid-winter gloom. That’s really all it would take to make you happy.
(January 21st to February 18th)
You wind up having sex with the pizza delivery guy. Yeah, the whole scenario is as cheesy as one of those fake letters to the editor in porn magazines. But yeah, you’re all alone on Valentine’s Day and you order a pizza. And, well, just take a look at this pizza guy. And, well, he takes a look at you…
(February 19th to March 20th)
You crave a big steak dinner near a roaring fireplace, even if you don’t eat steak and don’t like fireplaces very much. You want to do something gritty and meaty and fattening and, if it’s absolutely necessary, maybe even a little bloody.