I Am Not Going To Wait For You In 2018

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woman flipping her hair on a white horseKaren Cantú Q

This coming new year, I owe it to myself to stop hoping for your return. I owe it to myself to stop the one thing that’s been killing me, that is hoping you’d come back to me again. I need to not cling on that little hope, that little fantasy of mine that one day, when all is well, we can still try again.

Because we can’t. I know we can’t.

I know you are not coming back, you’re never coming back again. And that, I need to accept. I know you have gone through life without me, and you’re finally happy without me. I know you found that happiness you’ve tried to look from me, but had always led to disappointment. I know that you no longer have sleepless night, and when you do, I know it’s no longer I that you call, but it’s her instead. I know you have been smiling a lot more and laughing much harder because it’s always better with the best friend, right?

I have always been role playing life ever since you left. Faking it until I make it, but in reality, I am way far from making it. There had been many fake smiles I needed to show so in that way people won’t have to ask. There were countless nights I tried to keep it all in, but failed anyway. Ever since the day you left, nighttime has always been a lonely time, and daytime had become one of them too. It gets really heavy sometimes I just stay in bed and cry myself to sleep. Sometimes there is not much to do but embrace the loneliness and emptiness inside, not having the energy to fight against it. I always say to myself that everything will be better, that it does get better.

But when will it be finally better? For good.

It has always been a cycle of feeling better and feeling worse. Some days are just really happy days, but somehow at nighttime it all comes crashing down, I am back to square one, I am back to being sad. It never really stops, and it’s dragging me all the way down. I have been sad quite a lot, I have been feeling this heartache like it just happened, like we just ended. But everyday seems to be a new heartache I need to recover from. Adding up to piles and piles of heartaches taking completely over me, suffocating me until my last breath, killing me softly and surely.

But this must come to an end.

Today, I will give up on you.

I have decided to get up again on my tired and sore feet and walk away from that tiny bit of hope inside me. Before heading to life again, I need to make sure that that hope is all burnt down to ashes, and that there’s no way it could take over me again. But before I do all these, let me say my last few words.

I haven’t written about this just yet but I’d like to say that I am sorry. I am sorry for bringing so much pain in your life. I know that I have blamed you for what happened. I felt the immense pain of everything, that I have neglected the fact that you were hurting to. I am sorry for all the sleepless nights and doubts I made you feel. I am sorry that I have let my pride ruin whatever beauty we had in us, and I know deep down, it was all my fault. I’m sorry that I have loved you in a way that is very much less than what you deserved. If I were to go back in time and change one thing, I would have said sorry and put my pride down. I’m sorry that I ruined everything for you. I did not realize then how poisonous I was for you until just recently when I saw you smile really big and I know you are truly happy. But most of all, I am sorry that from becoming the light at the end of the tunnel, I became the darkness. Know that I never intended to be one, but somehow things happened the way they did and there’s nothing left for me to do nor to say but the words I am sorry.

Of all the things I want you to know, may this be the one you will always remember. Thank you for the adventure. Thank you for being my adventure. I wish you’d always know that I appreciate everything that you have done for me and I will forever be grateful for them. I want you to know that despite all the pain and all the scars, I would never ask for another lifetime without you in it. You were a part of me, and although it has ended, know that you will still continue being one. Things had been bad for us, and we failed being the one for each other. But know that deep in me, I believed in us and I know that you were the one for me for quite some time. And although that time ended a long time ago, I hope you know that I have loved you and somehow that love made me better. For everything, for the joy, for the pain, and everything in between, thank you, my love.

Now that I have said all these, the time has come to finally say goodbye. Hope was once the reason for my joys, because I have hoped to love you and I have hoped to be loved by you. And indeed, I have seen joy in a different perspective, like it was everything. And it was because of you. But joy is not as permanent as we wanted it to be, change is. Unfortunately, hope is now what broke me and is still breaking me.

So today, for the first time, I am letting go of hope, and I am finally letting go of you.

I am giving up everything that’s been dragging me down. Little by little, I will get to the finish line with a huge smile on my face, and one day that smile won’t be anymore fake. I know it will not be easy, but I am heading to the better things, with or without you. One day, when the time comes that all is well, we may bump into each other, I will simply smile at you and be thankful for the past we had, the past of you and me.

As 2018 is just around the corner, let me start the year by saying goodbye. To you. To us.

Goodbye to the love we once had, but is now gone.

I wish you well. TC mark

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