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I don’t know how to forgive you. It would be easier if you were actually sorry, if you seemed like you regretted what you had done and were actively working on becoming a better person, but I know you are never going to change. I know nothing, not even losing me, will convince you to get your life together. You are always going to be this way, which is why forgiveness seems so unobtainable. You are the same exact person who hurt me. The same person who brought out my anxiety. Who worsened days that could have been good.
I am slowly learning to take baby steps toward forgiveness. I am stopping myself from blaming you for every little thing wrong with my world. I could claim my abandonment issues and lack of trust are all your fault, and I would technically be right, but I need to take responsibility for my own actions. I don’t want to be like you, always playing the victim and placing the blame elsewhere. You might have given me baggage that is difficult to release, but it is my job to find a way to let it all go.
I am slowly learning to hate you less and pity you more. It must be tough scrambling through life without strong morals, manipulating everyone who crosses your path. No one trusts you. No one wants to be around you. Eventually, everyone will leave you. Lately, I have stopped feeling so bad for myself about being forced to deal with you for so long and have started feeling bad for you about how you are the one person who can never escape yourself. You’re stuck. Maybe that is your punishment.
I am slowly learning that remaining mad at you is another kind of punishment. Staying angry convinces me to keep my heart guarded. It makes me seem like a bitter, cold, unforgiving person. If I want to live my life to its fullest, then I cannot hold a grudge against you. I have to find a way to cope with what you put me through, even if forgiving you is the last thing I ever want to do. Even if it takes me some time to get used to the idea.
I am slowly learning forgiveness is not something that can happen overnight. I will never wake up one morning, completely accepting of what has happened between us. Every single day, I need to make a little more progress, because forgiveness is a choice. It does not mean I am okay with what you have done. It means I am over it.
I am slowly learning how to forgive you — but I am never going to call you up and let you know your apology has been accepted, because I am not doing it for you. I’m doing it for myself. I need to accept what has happened and move on with my life because dwelling on the past will only cause additional pain. You have already hurt me enough. You don’t get to do it anymore.