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I Am Slowly Learning That I Am Doing Better Than Before

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A girl doing better than beforeUnsplash / Wesley Quinn

I am still struggling, but not as much as before.

I still fake laughs when I am out in public, but every once in a while some of those smiles are actually real. Some of those laughs aren’t forced. Sometimes, I experience brief bursts of happiness. The numbness hasn’t disappeared completely, but it leaves for a few minutes at a time, and that is better than nothing.

I still criticize myself from time to time, but I am slowly turning that little voice inside my head into a kind one. One that soothes me. One that compliments me. One that is a friend instead of an enemy.

I still have days when I don’t feel like socializing, when leaving the house feels like an impossible task, but I also have days when I am brave enough to step out of my comfort zone. I am surprising myself with how strong I can be, with how much I can accomplish if I try.

I still overthink. I still worry about the past and the future, but now I am trying my hardest to enjoy the moment. I am doing my best to live in the now instead of living in a constant state of fear. 

I still want to spend the entire week in bed, but I am getting better at forcing myself out from beneath the sheets to start my day. I am always exhausted, but I spend less time sleeping than I used to, because I know that time is precious.

I still hate certain aspects of my life, but I am trying my hardest to create a better future for myself. I refuse to settle for the existence I have now. I am striving to reach something bigger, something better. I believe there are great things in store for me, but only if I put in the effort to achieve them.

I still have a hard time loving myself, but I don’t avoid the mirror anymore. I don’t treat myself like I am worthless anymore. I am slowly learning to accept who I am without wishing to be different.

I still feel like something is missing from my world, but I am actively trying to fill the hole in my life. I am going out more. I am saying yes more. I am trying new things. I am following my dreams. I am putting myself out there for the first time in my life.

I still spend some time crying inside of bathrooms, but now I am able to dry the tears after a breakdown. I am able to pull myself back up after I have fallen. I am able to snap myself back to reality instead of staying trapped in my misery.

I still have doubts about my future, but I also have hope. I genuinly believe I am going to be okay eventually. I am going to make happiness happen. I am not going to rest until I feel fulfilled. 

I am still not okay, but I am doing the best that I can with what I have. I am working my ass off. I am never going to give up on myself. TC mark

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