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I’m missing you tonight. I’m lonely, that’s why. I cried angry tears today and screamed in frustration and felt my thoughts brew like a fierce hurricane. My first instinct was to run to you. When I can’t go to anyone else, I can go to you.
But not this time. Not tonight.
I can tell you all about what I’m feeling, but what good will that do? You haven’t talked to me in weeks, so you obviously aren’t interested in hearing from me. And on the rare occasions you do want to talk to me, you don’t care to hear what I have to say. You don’t care what I’m going through or why I’m upset. You’d just remain silent and ignore my frustrations.
But at least you’d be talking to me, right? At least I wouldn’t feel so alone. I’d have someone.
That’s what I’ve always told myself, anyway. That thought always consoled me. You. My safety net. Although, you’re really not.
It may feel that way at first, but in reality, you only make everything I’m feeling 10 times worse. I leave the conversation worse off than I started it. I continue to get ignored, made to feel less than, and made to feel like an inconvenience.
I’m trying to instill THAT in my head instead of how comfortable you are. Because that shouldn’t be comfortable. I’ve taught myself that the way you treat me is okay and better than being alone with my thoughts. But that’s not true.
You don’t deserve to have me open up to you. You don’t deserve to see me cry and certainly not to be the reason I cry. You’re not worth my time and effort.
You don’t want to talk to me, so believe me, I won’t be talking to you. I’m so tired of giving my all and receiving NOTHING in return. I only shoot myself in the foot and then get surprised at the pain. I’m done with it.
I’m so done.
So that’s why I’m sitting here reciting to myself why I will not talk to you. I will not reach out and get my hand smacked away. I deserve better. And being alone is better than being mistreated by you.