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Sometimes I wonder if you ever cared at all. Sometimes your silence makes me think that you never really cared and it was all an act.
I wonder — when I know for sure you heard about my pain or my mother’s illness or my dad’s surgery and you never tried to call, you never tried to ask how I’m doing, you never tried to reach out to see if I needed anything at such a difficult time in my life. Were you even worried? You were so absent. So far away when I needed you next to me.
I wonder — when you see me doing well at work and finally living my dream, do you feel like sending ‘I’m proud of you,’ or ‘you’re doing great?’ A few words to alleviate the agony of the journey that you knew so well. A few words to make me smile. Is it so hard for you to say something, anything?
You were always stingy with your actions but I didn’t know that you were also stingy with your words.
I wonder — when you know that it’s my birthday and everyone I love is letting me know that they remember me, that I’m on their minds, that they wish they were able to celebrate with me, do you feel the same way? Do you look back and remember when we used to call each other at midnight and hang up 5 hours later? Do you miss our friendship? Do you miss us?
I wonder — when you’re alone at night, rethinking everything like you always do, evaluating your friends after a night out, studying every new person you meet to see if they’re genuine, do you think of me? Do you appreciate how genuine and real I was with you? Do you ever long for one more conversation between us? Because they were so easy and so effortless and so raw. Do I even cross your mind when you think of other people? Sometimes I wonder what am I to you.
I wonder — when you’re bored and going through your contact list, do you stop at my name? Do you type up messages and then delete them? Do you feel a slight urge to just dial my number just to see what would happen? Do you wonder what it would be like if we started talking again? Sometimes I wonder if you still have my number or if you deleted it because I never hear from you.
I wonder — when I’m alone, staring at these empty walls, thinking of all the people who matter to me, thinking of all the people I miss, why I gave you so much. Why did I put you on such a pedestal? Why did I invest so much in you?
Sometimes I wonder what I saw in you. Why did I think you were so special? Maybe I wonder because I still don’t understand why I did that to myself or maybe I wonder because I still don’t understand why I let you do all of this to me.
But sometimes, after all this wondering, I find myself remembering all the people who there for me, the ones who made me smile, the ones who stood by my side when I needed them. I remember how blessed I am to have such amazing people in my life. I remember how much they love me and how they always find ways to let me know what I mean to them.
I remember all of that and I forget all about you.