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My journal has been screaming at me for three weeks. I open it up and all of the pages shrug their shoulders and sigh. I have been filling it with excuses about the man who “certainly loves me” but doesn’t know how to embrace it, or is trying to protect me, or wants to be certain first.
You would think that by now, after all of the mountains of heartache I have climbed, I’d know better than to commit part of myself to somebody who hasn’t even asked me to… but here I am. I wait by the phone. I turn down dates with anybody else. I imagine a small garden in our future backyard. I am confused.
I want to be clear: There will be no confusion when a man sincerely pursues your heart.
He will show up, his whole self, and without holding back, he will let you know that he has chosen you. He will be honest. You will not have to analyze his body movements and draw a map that points to “maybe.” It will feel divine. He will have already connected the dots in the stars so that you don’t have to do all of that work.
Because, darling, it really is so much work to sit and wonder. It takes so much energy to resist sending that text message or to stare at yourself in the mirror wondering which part of you makes him want to kiss you in the parking lot and which part of you makes him not call the next day.
I want you to take your own hand and kiss the back of it gently. What is it that we are seeking when we desire someone else’s love more than our own? Why are we waiting around for anyone else to give us the love we deserve?
Yes, he might be the sweetest guy in the whole world. He might be capable of the boldest love humanity has ever known. But if he isn’t pursuing you with his whole heart, let it go.
Stay free. You are your own source of light and love. You do not owe him anything. If he isn’t asking you to be in this with him, don’t commit yourself to it. You are fierce and beautiful and worthy of undivided pursuit. Accept nothing less.