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Types Of Boys On The Internet, Ranked

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with Katie Mather and Kendra Syrdal.

Viner Boys

Viner Boys (rip) are a national treasure and they should be supported financially by the government for the mental health benefit of the country. Some days vines are the only reason I can get out of bed, frankly. Viners wear keds without socks, flat brim baseball hats, and stained t-shirts. They prank people but in a way that’s actually funny unlike Youtuber Boys and they have so much joy in life you actually like them. Tell me this is not the best part of the internet.

Wanderlust Boys

Wanderlust Boys are the guys who caption their Instagram photos of airplane wings with something about quitting your desk job to pursue adventure, or whatever the fuck, while forgetting to mention that their parents are still paying their rent. By law, they are required to have at least one (1) compass tattoo or a pine tree on their forearm. You are officially initiated into the Wanderlust Boys club once you upload a photo of yourself snorkeling with a tortoise. They shit on social media and the internet, even though they’re straight up sponsored by #gopro.

Business Boys

Business Boys live to talk about their rise and grind lifestyle. They write articles about how to be more productive and successful that are only regurgitations of the thousands of other identical articles that have already been published. They each think they are singularly the most insightful and disruptive business boy, but it’s just the male version of all the women who read Eat, Pray, Love and pitched a far worse (and infinitely less original) version to their friend in publishing.

God Boys

God Boys love Jesus and talking about Jesus and especially people who want to listen to them talk about Jesus and buy their Jesus related products. (It’s a no from me.)

Woke Boys

Woke Boys really need you to know how woke they are. Being seen as woke is extremely more important than actually being woke or accomplishing something (anything) related to what they are lecturing you about. They will mansplain to you the meaning of “mansplaining”.

Soft Boys

Soft Boys write Instagram poetry about how women are beautiful and just need to believe in themselves more. They comment on #nomakeup selfies and say “I like you better this way” and brag about how #brave their curvy wives are. They just love women so much guys! Their favorite thing about women is probably how soft they look in the morning light, and also when they build their brand/get laid/make money off performatively loving women.

Very Smart Boys

Very Smart Boys haven’t gotten vitamin D since 2009 (what is daylight?). Mountain Dew Code Red flows through their veins, which is why their normal speaking voice is screaming. They think ‘Rick & Morty’ is literally the most important thing to happen to pop culture and if you don’t watch it, it’s because you’re not smart enough. They own a greater number of food-stained GAP hoodies than the number of real life human beings they interact with on a regular basis. They think they’re prolific because they smoke weed and read half of Brave New World, but intentionally only swipe right on women who didn’t graduate from a better college than their alma mater.

Instagram Photographer Boys

Instagram Photographer Boys (IPBs) are the type to say it’s “sooooo cute” that you write for a living, but will actually lunge across a room to defend the amount of time and editing they have to do on their photos and how nobody understands them. They like how their girlfriends look in their photos more than they actually like their girlfriends and every single time they post a selfie it’s accompanied by a long diatribe about how uncomfortable they are being on the “other” side of the camera. TC mark

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