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Years Later, I Am Still Struggling With Your Death

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A girl struggling to deal with deathInstagram / Jesse Herzog

Everyone keeps saying that time heals all wounds, that I will feel better as long as I give it some time — but the longer I think about the phrase, the less I believe it.

Years have gone by and I’m still struggling to deal with your death. There are still moments where I can’t believe you’re gone. I can’t wrap my mind around it. It feels like you’re only away on vacation, like you’re going to walk through the door again one day.

Whenever the anniversary of your death passes, the math always shocks me. I can’t believe how many years have gone by already. I can’t believe that I managed to survive a day without you, let alone two or three or ten years. It feels like you’ve been gone for a while, but at the same time, it feels like you were here only yesterday.

It’s crazy to think how different things were back when you were alive. I was a different person with different friends and different dreams. Different bands were popular. Different clothes were worn. So many things have changed — in the world and in my personal life.

When you first left this earth, my friends would dance around your name. They would avoid mentioning you in conversation because they were worried about my reaction. They didn’t want to upset me.

But now that some time has passed, they ask more questions about you. They mention you more. They actually say your name aloud. They think that it won’t hurt me to talk about you anymore because they assume I am over your death, that I have cried all of the tears I can cry.

But sometimes, it’s still hard to talk about you. It’s hard to think about the day you died. It’s hard to think about the days when you were still here. Mostly, it’s hard to think about how much of my life you have missed out on already and how much more you aren’t going to see.

Everyone acts like time will heal my pain, but the truth is, it gets harder to deal with your death during every milestone. When I get married, all I will think about is that you aren’t there to dance with me. When I have children, all I will think about it how much you would have spoiled them. When I move into a new house or get a new job, all I will think about is how you would have reacted to the good news.

Even during little moments, when I have a funny story about a horrible date I went on or questions about how to fill out paperwork, all I think about is how I wish I could call you and see what you had to say. Missing you can come out of the blue, but it’s never really unexpected.

It doesn’t matter how many years have passed, because I am always going to miss you with the same intensity. I am always going to hate how early you left this earth. I am always going to love you with my whole heart. TC mark

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