Nothing sows discord and despair quite like an interminably long and messy American election cycle, and maybe that’s the comedic logic a bunch of cynical capitalists were operating from when they had the bright idea to use the 2020 presidential candidates’ policies and likenesses on Valentine’s Day cards this year.
To be sure, nothing spells out ‘true love’ and ‘be mine’ quite like a xenophobic travel ban that threatens the livlihoods of millions, a working class thoroughly depressed by rampant wage stagnation and ecological collapse that scientists predict will soon be irreversible.
So with all of that sexy stuff and more at stake in the upcoming presidential election, what could possibly be more romantic than a couple of Valentine’s cards making light of the whole dang political charade? Click through the following slideshow for examples of political Valentine’s Day cards and where to buy them.
Donald Trump
Setting aside “older white men who look like they get dressed every morning inside that t-shirt store the cast of Jersey Shore worked in that one season,” it’s hard to think of a racial or social group that hasn’t been marginalized or targeted by President Donald Trump’s policies during his nearly four years in office. For that reason, the president’s whole “schtick” is probably not funny to a lot of people these days, but what these Valentine’s are supposing is, what if it was?
Etsy Donald Trump Inspired Valentine’s Card, $, available at Etsy
Bernie Sanders
Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign is best known for utilizing grassroots organizing tactics to mobilize some of the most down-and-out, historically neglected groups of Americans using a message of hope. And also, a ton of celebrity endorsements. The joke in this card is that, as a candidate, he is the oldest in the presidential field, and also he recently had a heart attack. Plus, many Bernie supporters often use the phrase “Feel The Bern” to signify support.
Look Human MY HEART BERNS FOR SANDERS GREETING CARD, $, available at Look Human
Elizabeth Warren
These cards say “my love for you will not be silenced” — get it? Like the #MeToo movement. Warren is a candidate that boasts a track record and a plan to support women and equal rights in her campaign. This is about as feminist as a valentine’s day card can get, IMO.
Look Human MY LOVE FOR YOU WILL NOT BE SILENCED – LIZ WARREN GREET, $, available at Look Human
Joe Biden
Former Vice President Joe Biden is also running for president, but — have you heard? — he’s already worked in the White House, under one President Barack Obama (his unofficial bestie). This card is about as straight-forward as it gets. If Joe is your candidate, maybe he is also your valentine? Or your valentine’s valentine?
Zazzle Joe Biden is my Valentine Card, $, available at Zazzle
Donald Trump
One more, for good measure.
Red Bubble Valentine’s Day / President Humor, $, available at Red Bubble
Donald Trump
One more, for good measure. For anyone looking to sail into Donald Trump’s arms, by executive order, this Valentine’s Day.
Red Bubble Valentine’s Day / POTUS / President / Trump / Funny, $, available at Red Bubble
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