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I’m not saying it’s a good thing to hurt people. I’m not saying you should insult and curse at every person who wronged you in the past. Don’t maliciously betray a friend or a significant other just to get revenge. Don’t go and scream at your ex for breaking up with you.
This is what I’m saying. I’m saying that you need to be selfish. Selfish in the people that you surround yourself with. Selfish in who you choose to spend time with. Selfish in regards to who you let your guard down for. Selfish in who you want to sleep with, eat with, converse with and sit with.
Selfish for your own mental health. And for your ultimate happiness.
I’m only 24. But for me, this has been the year of a loss of many friendships I held dearly for so long in my heart. I never thought it would happen. I never meant for it to happen. But in your 20’s shitty stuff happens. People grow apart. People change in a way that makes you uncomfortable. People grow distant. and its’ not anyone’s fault. It’s just what it is. It just happens.
Maybe some of them will see this and read this and roll their eyes. Maybe I’m the one to blame. Maybe I’m the one who was too selfish.
But you know what? I don’t care. I’ve wasted too much time on giving my heart to people who didn’t even want it. I’ve wasted too much time on trying nourishing relationships and friendships that were already died. I’ve wasted too much of my time on toxic people.
And I don’t need that in my life.
It’s taken 24 years for me to learn that my life is mine. It’s not his or hers or theirs. It’s mine. It’s mine to make my own mistakes and to learn from them. It’s my own life to grow and change and fuck up and grow some more.
I’m not perfect. No one is. We all struggle. We all go through hell. We all climb through mountains in snowstorms. I have no hate for any of the friendships and relationships I have lost. I hold no resentment for them in my heart. In fact, all I have is love for them. An overflowing amount of love for them.
Maybe some day, we will cross paths and bounce back to where we left off. Or maybe our communication levels will exceed to only a ‘happy birthday’ each year.
But just because I can’t be in their lives anymore, doesn’t mean that they don’t matter. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t worthy or beautiful or fun or smart. This isn’t even about their character or my love for them.
This is about me taking control of my life. And taking control of my own heart which I have neglected for so long.
And maybe it’s harsh. I hate hurting people even when I don’t mean to. I hate cutting people out of my life. I hate losing these friends and these people who I so deeply love.
But I need to let them go. I need to let all that negativity go. And so do you. And after you do, please forgive yourself. You will never please everybody in this world. Not everyone in this world will love you. But at least you can love yourself.
At least you can say, that you did this for you. And don’t forget, you will always have you.